just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
