I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
