he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
