When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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