I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I've blown a few things in my day
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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