So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
