i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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