K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
