is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
His hands were made for my vagina.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
