Someone shit on the floor
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
where are my eyebrows?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
