Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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