I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
