dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
