Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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