i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
