Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
