I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
