who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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