Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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