Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
