Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
