i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
