The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
