Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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