I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
