I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
If that was your dad, he is hot
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
