I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
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