Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
