Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
