This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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