If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
