I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
