he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
