I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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