We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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