HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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