Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
