mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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