does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
