Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
