The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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