Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
