did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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