i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Redeem this text for a blowjob
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
