I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
