So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
