I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
