I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
