Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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