Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
