ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
