I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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